Why knowing what to do doesn't mean we do it
I hear it all the time: "I know what to do, but I don't know why I'm NOT doing it?!?!?!" It's a common (personal) client frustration. And my clients aren't disengaged, under resourced or incapable people. They can articulate their situation with impressive clarity. They've already spotted the pattern, can explain the emotions that show up and might have read around the topic themselves. And yet, despite all of that, nothing shifts. The same conversation with themselves on repeat. The same kind of plans that stall, the same sense of quietly remaining stuck.
Psychologically, this gap between knowing and doing is not a failure of motivation or intelligence. I did my own research dive having sat in this frustration too. Across behavioural and neuroscience, and adult development, research shows that insight alone isn't sufficient for sustained change (Kegan & Lahey, 2009; Hayes et al., 2012). Which I guess to us intelligent folk sounds like a "no brainer" right? What we might label as procrastination is just a signal that something deep within us needs adjusting.
Maybe it isn't what you really want?
Might seem a bit obvious, but one of the first questions I ask clients is whether they actually want whatever it is they think they need to take action towards. I'm very much concerned with whether you're moving towards something that's yours, really yours and not something you've over looked as an imposed should. I'm not sure you'd be surprised to hear how many people pursue goals that are rational, socially (parental?!) endorsed or identity-consistent with who they used to be.
From an acceptance and commitment coaching perspective, this is confusion between values and rules. Values are a direction that hold intrinsic meaning and energise us to show up, prove we are who we say we are, even if that means wrangling with some internal discomfort (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 2012). So if action is repeatedly stalling it could be because the goal is rule based (I should want this) rather than values-based (this really matters to me).
In my coaching practice I see this play out as subtle but persistent resistance. Clients can explain why a particular path makes sense to them, but the behaviour rarely follows suit. That resistance is mis-interpreted as fear or self-sabotage, but more likely a mis-alignment. Why would you take action if deep with in you, you really don't value it as meaningful?
Your brain is protecting you, not holding you back
Your brain is just doing the job it was designed to do; keep you safe. It will always choose inaction or avoidance because it's prioritising safety over growth. And it doesn't matter if the action you've chosen to take is to change something to do with your identity, status, certainty or belonging, your threat system will activate. The amygdala and related neural networks respond to perceived risk long before the rational mind has finished weighing up pros and cons (LeDoux, 2015).
I think this goes some way to explaining why you feel a bit of relief when you decide not to do anything, stay stuck, even if it is creating a long-term frustration. At least that's familiar. Of course this shows up in my line of work; people are coming to me because they want change. Research into avoidance learning and anxiety shows that short-term relief often reinforces inaction, making “stuck-ness” a self-maintaining loop rather than a conscious choice (Borkovec et al., 2004). And let's face it, doing nothing might feel easier, safer, in line with who you've told yourself you are.
Insight lives in your head, change has to involve all of you
I think there's this weird myth in personal development; if you understand yourself, behaviour will follow. Fix your mind first! It's all in your head! You're just not thinking about this hard enough! There isn't enough space to list the citations for all the research into how cognitive insight rarely leads to behaviour change. Ha - we'd all be personal development gurus if that was the case.
Learning and change are embodied processes. By that I mean that our nervous systems update through experience, repetition, and emotional exposure - not us trying to explain to ourselves what needs to happen. This is well-established in experiential learning theory and supported by neuroscience research showing that new behaviours must be practised in context for neural pathways to reorganise (Kolb, 1984; Siegel, 2020).
In coaching sessions I've worked with plenty of clients who've had realisations through therapy, their own reflections or reading around topics but still feel utterly frustrated that all that knowing isn't changing their day-to-day behaviour(s). They don't need any more knowing, but evidence, a chance to gather their own data - through action. Doing. Experimenting. Good old trial and error. Plan, do, review, act... or whatever the buzz words are now. Only then can all of you, the systems of you, learn. Can't think yourself into learning how to ride a bike can you?
Maybe you're between identities, not lacking anything
Another under-recognised reason people remain stuck is developmental rather than motivational. Many adults seeking coaching are navigating identity shifts that have not yet got to grips with. Adult development theories describe growth as a process of meaning-making transformation, where old ways of understanding the self and the world no longer fit, but new ones are still forming (Erikson, 1968; Kegan, 1982). So it make sense that taking any kind of action might feel risky or unsafe because that means we're in, being, doing that identity before it feels secure.
In practice, this often shows up as hesitation masked as over-thinking. Clients describe feeling ready for something new, yet unable to commit fully. From a developmental lens, this is not avoidance; it is the tension of standing in an identity gap. Movement becomes easier when the emerging sense of self is given space to be named, tested, and trusted, rather than rushed into action prematurely. That is where talking exploration can help.
Staying stuck is often solving a problem you haven’t named
Finally, I do understand the frustration of feeling stuck but I think it's important to acknowledge that staying stuck often serves a psychological function. We're never really behaving without some sort of benefit to us, even if it's not entirely clear what that benefit is.
Motivational Interviewing literature describes this as ambivalence: the simultaneous desire for change and for things to remain the same (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). In my coaching practice, clients often discover that inaction protects relationships, preserves a familiar identity, or delays grief for what must be let go, to name a few. Until these protective functions are recognised and might I add, respected (let's lessen the judgement here), attempts to “keep pushing through” tend to backfire.
Stuck-ness, then, is not always resistance to change. Sometimes it is loyalty, compromise, or sacrifice to people, roles, or versions of the self that once made sense.
When knowing and doing finally meet
When action does begin to flow, it doesn't feel like you're forcing it. The resistance has weakened. Instead, it feels quieter and more coherent. Values clarified it all. The nervous system feels resourced enough to tolerate uncertainty. Identity and behaviour start to align.
I'm noticing that across both research and practice, this is what sustainable change tends to look like: not pressure, but integration. When knowing and doing finally meet, movement feels less like self-discipline and more like self-trust.
And from there, the next step is no longer something you have to talk yourself into. It simply makes sense to take it.
References
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
Kegan, R. (1982). The Evolving Self.
Kegan, R., & Lahey, L. (2009). Immunity to Change.
LeDoux, J. (2015). Anxious.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Developing Mind.
